I’m going to see a counselor I’ve seen before now, again. He’s great, and helped me overcome a lot in a small amount of time. I already have the peace of mind knowing that he’s going to help me through this, and he knows how. I actually cried in his office today out of relief. It’s when I finally admit these things to someone else that I feel the full weight of it. It’s terrifying. The amount I don’t feel worthy or good. The amount of hurt I carry and guilt. The worries and feeling ill from all the worrying. Being so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
He just understood everything. I didn’t have to go over anything again. He understands my fear and my pain. He understands my doubt and my worries. He comes up with analogies that are just perfect to explain things. Some can be rather brutal, but it makes sense.
I’m finally going to be okay. I’m going to feel like I deserve this love and kindness. That I am strong and worthy. I’m going to be okay. I can’t wait to be able to cope with life and meet any challenge with a smile.
But for now, I have to put up with the fear and pain for a little bit longer. Right now I feel like crying and eating junk food. I’m shaking, but I’m happy I got to see my friend today. I still don’t believe I deserve a friend as great as him, but I’m glad he’s in my life. Of course I feel like that about all my friends and what family I do have, but in time I will realize that I do deserve them.
For those of you in my life, I love you. You’re all my superheroes. <3.
When I decided to start this blog, I was in a pretty dark place. I still am, but I’ve learned a lot recently. I sat here staring at my laptop for awhile trying to find the proper words to express how I feel and, you know, I’m at a loss. I have a lot of things I should be really happy about. I have a lot of people in my life, now, that love me. I have all this support and respect that sometimes it just gets to be too much. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am.
I don’t take any of these fantastic people for granted, and I love them. If they were to ever need something I would do my best to help them. I would give them bone marrow, that’s how damn grateful I am of them. Perhaps even my right arm if needed. Or left, depending on the situation. Anywhoo.. I am happy, and grateful to have this support and love. But I just can’t shake this feeling of dread and grief.
I carry a lot of guilt for things that I shouldn’t. I carry burden and grief for those I shouldn’t. I worry and care to the point of hurt. I think myself into anxiousness. I feel bad for things that aren’t my fault, even worse for the things that are my fault. I let these feelings take hold of me, and the littlest of things overwhelm me. Hypothetical questions or situations bring me to tears. I am so easily overwhelmed that I can hardly leave my apartment. I become overly attached and concerned. I want to feel needed and important. Wanted. Loved. I’m always in doubt. I’m tired of questioning everything and being in doubt. I want to be able to accept things as they are and not let it ruin the day. Thinking and expecting the worst and shaking. I’m tired, but I can’t sleep for more than a few hours. It takes awhile to gain the motivation to get out of bed. I am easily woken up.
I worry a lot when in public. Is that person staring at me? What is it that they want? Are they going to make fun of me? Are they judging me? Does he//she still hate me? It’s endless. I worry about driving to certain places, or being too far from home for too long. What if something happens and I’m not there? I worry about getting into an accident, or just anything. I worry about my step dad leaving. I worry about people using me. I worry about the stray cat I adopted. I worry about sirens and the sky being blue.
It never stops. I end up making myself feel like such a wreck. Am I a total fucking loser for being like this? I’m twenty years old, and I don’t have a job, I don’t go to school anymore, just therapy. And that’s up in the air right now. I have been made to feel like I’m a deadbeat loser, that’s going to live with mommy and daddy the rest of my life, crying over everything like I do already. Thanks lady. That’s what I needed to hear. Another doubt put into my mind, and more fears.
I understand that the way I feel and how I respond to things is not okay, and that it’s going to be a long road to recovery. It’s why I asked for help. Now I’m afraid to ask for help again. Because of a single sessions, I doubt my entire progress this far. I want to cope with life. I want to stop being afraid. I want to feel good. I want to feel like I’m worth something. I don’t want to cry so easily over things. I want to be happy in life. I want to do good. I want to live a happy life. And that’s why I asked for help. But now, I’m very much in doubt and I feel awful.
I started to keep this blog to empty out my mind and maybe help someone. Or maybe just help myself. I started this because I needed to. I started this because it’s my memoir to muchness. My journey to self-improvement. Sometimes you have to take a couple steps back before you take a giant step forward. I’m hoping things get easier down the line. And that I’ll find my muchness and become much muchier.
A girl can dream, can’t she?
When you’re struggling with any kind of anxiety disorder, you feel kind of nuts. Like straight-jacket sort of nuts. Sometimes, at least, you can pull yourself together long enough to get through the day. You constantly compare yourself to others and since you haven’t any idea what others are thinking, you feel so alone with your thoughts. It’s kind of like you get stuck in your head sometimes. Running around with all the information your mind is trying to process, all the worries and fears taking hold and you just can’t stop.
You just want to stop thinking. You just want reality to fuck off and to take a break from being you. Be able to go out and have a laugh like the rest of the people your age. Go out and do something risky (Like clothes shopping! Woo!). Or something as simple as wearing a dress. You can’t, because you feel so scared that someone is going to tell you that you’re disgusting, or who knows. You just simply can’t do it. You haven’t any confidence to spare. Not a single drop. And you see people who are so confident in themselves, who..well, good for them. They shouldn’t feel so bold as to wear what they do, but it’s amazing how confident they are anyway. If I had that much confidence, you could leave your room and enjoy the day. But instead you don’t, and your room seems like the safest place to be.
Worry worry worry. Of people, of noises, of life as a whole. It’s all so terrifying when it really shouldn’t be.
It’s hard to trust anyone. It’s hard to focus on things when you have a head full of worries. You completely and totally forget to do things sometimes, when you believe that you did. Sometimes it affects your sleeping and eating habits. You become lazy in grooming and dress. It effects pretty much every aspect of your life. People might think it pretty silly, but it’s our way of life. It’s the way be survived for the longest time. It’s how we learned so much so quickly. Even though it’s hard to pinpoint our thoughts sometimes, and focusing is even more difficult, the information is up there. It’s just lost in all the muck.
Keeping some friendships/relationships are difficult unless you have people that are willing to kick your butt and go that extra mile for you. You feel so awful for not seeing everyone as much as you would like, but it’s just hard to stay ahead when you feel like your own little world is falling down all around you. Including when some friends blame themselves for you being upset, when it isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s just the way you are, and you need them more then anything. Just one person can make a huge difference.
It’s just so much on one person, it’s so exhausting. You think the worst, and expect the worst. Even though the worst never comes.
It’s 2am and I’m still very much awake. I keep thinking over a lot of things, and I don’t really know why I feel like such a wreck. When you’re like this it just happens, it’s not selfishness, or shallowness, it’s exhaustion. You’re very grateful of everything you have and everyone in your life, but you can’t help but to be sad. It’s everything.
It’s the fact that there are people with less. That one day the sun is going to just explode. That the sky is blue and the grass is green. You’re sad because you have responsibilities, you’re sad because you can’t help everyone. You’re sad because things never last. You’re sad because there’s hate. You’re sad because there’s idiots in the world that think throwing religion in your face will make you feel better. You’re sad because the lettuce in the fridge might be going bad. You’re sad because you let people down. You’re sad because people let you down. You’re sad because there’s war. You’re sad because people can be mean. You’re sad because you feel like a bad person. You feel sad because you feel too much. You feel sad because of just everything. You couldn’t even fit all the worries and sadness into one room. You’re just sad.
And you know that writing this is almost all for not, because you don’t think your words will paint a picture for those reading this. You’d like them to know your pain. Not to truly experience it, because no one deserves to feel the way you do. You just want there to be understanding. Depression is so misunderstood and misinterpreted. And as many times you try to count your worries you just lose track. It’s not so much as fear but the knowing. It’s like the weight of the world pressing you down to the world. If you continued to think hard enough about it, you might even start to feel the spin of the earth. You’ve trained yourself to worry and to imagine the bad. You’ve trained yourself so well it’s hard to unlearn worry.
You feel silly telling someone about everything that makes you sad or worried. People are like “If you need me, just give me a call”. Well, that carries a lot of knowing of what it’s like to be inside this head, and what may come out of it. Some of it might seem downright silly, but it’s so real to us. But you know we will gladly sit through anything with your hurt, and be the person to depend on. Our own happiness tends to take a step aside for others, because we rather help ease the hurt in the world.
The world is a crazy, terrifying place. We would very much like to get off this ride, but there isn’t an end in sight.
I’m doing better. I’m nowhere near the girl/woman I’m striving to be, and there is still a lot I need to work on before I can reach that goal. With hypnosis, mindfulness, and meditation, I can install all the positive things while uninstalling all the negative. It’s kind of like getting a brand new start. I’m only 20, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I should not be so stressed or ill as I have made myself over the years. Life shouldn’t be this terrifying, but after years of bullying and neglect, I’m stuck in a mode of apprehension and unease. I expect the worst instead of expecting any good, I expect people to hurt me, not love me. I expect to be bullied instead of given any praise. I expect to be used, and my kindness never returned.
But all of this is so wrong. The war is finally over and I’m trying to readjust to a normal life. And eventually, I will. But right now there’s a lot that needs to be done before I can relax and enjoy finally having a stable household and a fantastic group of friends. No more hiding and staying in my room. No more hating myself, or doubting myself. I will not take the words of fools as truth or that of any merit. I will be proud to be me, and tolerate the crap out of people.
All good things will come. It will just take some time.
I will feel like I’m worthy of this kindness and love. I will feel like I’m worthy to exist and function in society. I will feel like my words do have meaning and that I’m not invisible. I will overcome this, and I will still be Kelly. Just leveled up!
I often wonder what it’s like to be able to lay down in your bed and just fall to sleep. Just like that. No issues with it whatsoever. Not having to try to sleep in different positions or trying different sleep aids. Just all-natural rest. No waking up at the sound of the man delivering the paper, or stirring at the sounds of your family waking up and getting ready for work/school. No laying awake worrying about tomorrow, or yesterday, or even yesteryear. Just accepting Morpheus’s embrace. Sleep.
I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of waiting until 3 or 4 in the morning until I can get some rest. I usually wait for the man that delivers the paper to come because, well, it’s clockwork. I can hear him pull up to the house, walk up the porch, open the door, walk up two steps and throw the paper at the door. Then I hear him descend the two steps, open then slam the two doors, walk noisily down the porch steps, open and close his truck door, then pulling away. Sometimes I hear him talk to someone. Sometimes he walks all the way up the stairs but still tosses the paper at the door. At any rate, he is a noisy fellow. Every morning.
The things you do when you become an insomniac, some pick up hobbies. Like knitting or puzzles. I watch creature features/sci fi movies or read comic books. Tonight I decided to read “A Study In Scarlet” (Sherlock Holmes). But for whatever reason, sleep just didn’t come. I used to draw a lot, or text people. But people work now, so I don’t want to get them in any trouble. I also skype with a friend or, well, I blog now. I fancy myself a sort of movie buff, but nothing to grand. I like watching creature features the most when I can’t sleep, and a lot of classic Doctor Who.
It’s not like I’m totally awake and alert, either. I can feel myself getting more and more tired. I yawn a lot, but once my head hits the pillow, that’s when my mind starts to go. What if this happens? What if that happens? From the tiniest fears of rain to the biggest fears of calamity, it all plays through my mind. From my friends and family to people I don’t even know. I worry. Everything. I don’t think there is a single thing I don’t worry about, and some of things aren’t my burden to carry. But here I am. Things of the distant past to the things of the distant future. Worry. Worry. WORRY.
I don’t know who set my brain to this setting, but I would like tech support to fix it as soon as possible.
Now that I’m learning to accept my fears for what they really are, and finding the causes, I’m starting to get a hold on how to handle my over thinking and worrying. I have a lot of negative things programmed into me from not too kind of people, and their words became deeply rooted in me.
Anxiety isn’t a bad thing, it’s letting these anxieties take hold over your life. Words can either help a person grow, or keep them from growing.
I’m still afraid to let my guard down, and I keep expecting the worst. I’m still very much afraid of things, but I’m learning a lot about how to handle my fears.
I still don’t feel confident, and I don’t feel like that great of a person. But I don’t feel horrible, or like the worst person alive. I’m starting to slowly accept kindness without second guessing it. I’m learning to avoid thinking about what others really think of me, and think more positive things about myself and how others view me. I’m avoiding rejecting myself, and others.
I’m learning to trust. I’m learning to accept that I won’t always know what’s going to happen next and that life is filled with uncertainties. Shit happens, usually in abundance. Not much you can really do about it, other than keep calm and carry on.
This feeling of dread and misery will come to pass and I’ll be happy. I’ll be the best me I could ever be, and learn how to truly be. Not many people can truly be who they really are, or truly feel anything. They take it for granted. Soon enough, I’ll be able to feel those things and feel pretty happy to feel those things. Because I’ll be able to really feel without being terrified.
I won’t be afraid of hurting. I won’t be afraid of hurting others. I won’t be afraid of tomorrow, or worry about what happened yesterday. I’ll be okay in the moment of right now.
In time this will all come to pass. Not rushing or pushing myself to do anything. Take the steps I need to take now, and slowly accept my fears. No one will know when the moment is right other than me, and I’ll know what to do.
Right now, I want to be okay with long car rides and being around strangers. I want to be okay with myself and stop myself from shaking. I want to be okay enough to find a job and not want to break down. I feel like I’m standing on very thin ice, and when it does finally break, I’ll be submersed in all the things I’ve pushed down deep to avoid feeling.
I feel really good, and at the same time, I’m really not okay. I feel very unsure and just need a cigarette. Ha! But it’s really cold out. Instead I’m going to read a comic or two then head to bed. Hopefully sleep.
I’m afraid of just about everything. I feel like such a child at times because when my mind starts to act up I just want my mom to come a read me a story so I can sleep. I’m 20 now, and I still live at home because I’m in therapy. My parents, (My mom and Step Dad), are really supportive and understanding. But these worries keep me up at night, and I’m afraid of tomorrow, which seems thousand of years away. If I hear a sound, I assume it’s something bad. If I hear sirens I tense up and try to hide. If I hear loud voices I shrink away from them and turn music or my television up louder. If I don’t feel good or I have a pain in my side I worry it’s something worse. If my friend acts weird or doesn’t answer my text I worry that he hates me and never wants to see me. If my mom doesn’t respond to something I say right away, I assume she’s ignoring me.
I’m afraid of being rejected, I’m afraid of being forgotten or abandoned. I’m afraid that I’m going to get into trouble. I’m afraid. I’m just plan afraid. Sometimes I just want to cry and cry. Sometimes my fears don’t even bother me. Sometimes I can push them aside and forget them. But they always find me. They always crawl back to the forefront of my mind and take hold.
And when they do, I hate myself for being so childish. I hate myself for being so afraid. That’s when I start feeling depressed. I start to wonder if anyone would ever really understand how I really feel and what it takes to get out of bed. I just want someone to shake me out of this and tell me everything is going to be okay. But I wouldn’t believe it. Not for a single second.
My childhood has filled me with fear, my adolescence filled me with self doubt. Now that I’m an adult, I’m trying to strive to be an adult. But I’m afraid. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but these mistakes were right for me. I knew I had to take some risks to get on the right path, even if it’s going to be a bumpy ride. But this time around, I have to undo the last 20 years before I can move on in the real world. It’s going to take a lot of doing and It’s scary, but I’m not alone.
I’m so tired of feeling so afraid of everything. At the sounds of sirens, at the sound of a loud voice, at the sound of stomping feet. I’m afraid. Spiders, people, needles, feelings, life, death, past, future, everything. It terrifies me. People’s hatred and war. Love. Relationships. Feelings. Everything.
I’m so used to being on edge and prepared for anything, that I don’t know how to accept love and kindness. I’m trying to understand that some people aren’t planning on ever hurting me, and they plan on sticking around. That they won’t tell me to hurt myself or die. That they won’t tell me that I’m a freak or a mistake. I’m important to them, and they love me. But I can’t trust fully yet, because I’m so afraid of being hurt.
I’m tired of hurting. I want to feel good. But I don’t know how to really accept the good feelings, because they’re so alien to me. I’m constantly getting teary eyed at all the nice things people have been saying to me lately and I don’t know what to do. I want to just hug the crap out of some people. But that might be a bit weird. Me running up to someone and hugging them.
There’s people that accept me for being weird. They don’t care that I have a tattoo or like to color my hair. They don’t mind that I dress modestly or that my sense of humor is a bit weird. They just accept me. I just don’t get it. After everything I’ve ever heard about myself, these people have good things to say about me? But why? What have I ever really done to deserve such praise?
I’m still trying to understand a lot of things. Some of these things I will never understand. Because no matter how hard you try, you can’t reason with the unreasonable. Some things are never supposed to be answered. And sometimes, you just have to let things go. No matter how painful, just let it go.
Still trying to learn my own worth. Little reminders help. Sometimes just making someone smile is enough. But I always doubt it. I wish I could stop doubting things, and fully trust in people.
One day, hopefully soon.
I worry a lot. And when I mean a lot, I really mean it. Like what if I made a mistake on my taxes and I get in trouble? Or what if I hurt someone’s feelings on accident? What if I bother my friends by being so depressed? And this could go on for awhile. I never give myself a break either.
It get’s really tiring and it gets kind of hard to have a life that most people wouldn’t see as “normal”. I try my best to push myself out of my comfort zone, but I need to do what works for me, and not everyone else. Some might THINK they know what is best for me, but it’s really up to me to make the final call. Oh, the best sound advice is to just stop thinking. Boy, you must not have the slightest idea what it’s like, do you?
It’s not a matter of not being okay with myself or anything like that. I just have this issue. Which is after a life of abuse and neglect. I just need to learn the tools to get over this last and final hurdle. I won’t be afraid, I won’t over think, I won’t hide from people, I won’t have shaky hands, I won’t count money 7 times, I won’t jump when someone walks behind me, I won’t do a lot of things. I’ll be stronger and happier. That’s it.
I might say that I’m okay right now, and I am. But I’m not 100%. I have moments where I feel like I could just break down and cry for hours. Sometimes I feel like I can’t get out of bed. It takes me the longest time to go to sleep. I over apologize and worry that my friends will hate me. I worry that I’m a huge burden to my family for not working right now. I wonder what people really think, and I often wonder if I mean anything to some people.
I just feel run down. Like I want to just take a break from running and sleep for the next few years. I’m so tired of worrying and feeling like I’m not a kind person. I don’t feel worthy or feel good. It’s exhausting. I’m running on fumes. Learning to focus on this very moment is hard, but I’m slowly learning mindfulness.
And in awhile, I’ll look back to all this and feel so proud of myself for making it through it all. I will have completed therapy and be a better person. No more torturing myself with over thinking and worrying. Just being okay and calm. I can’t wait to be happy and at peace.
Like anything, it takes time.
Nope. It’s never easy.
Honestly sometimes I sit and stare at my sketchbook and tell myself I’m not good enough of an artist and to stop trying. I’ll draw something, and the next minute I’m erasing it all. I pick up a paintbrush and get halfway done and guess what? I get rid of it. I have a painting sitting next to my desk that I’m trying to work on but I’ve talked myself into just letting it sit there and that it will never be good enough. The paintings I’ve done for friends they loved them, but they were absolutely horrid in my eyes.
And that seems to be the issue tonight. No matter what art style I try, it never seems good enough. I practice and I know that this is just my insecurity, but I just don’t like anything I do.
I can’t really focus on it either, since my mind goes so fast I can’t seem to set my mind to anything.
It’s so easy to discourage myself, and my mind is always restless.